17.2.15

People Share The Shortest, Funniest Joke They Know

Found on askreddit


VildereKlovn
Somebody stole my mood ring and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.
– Tracy Jordan

ChrisLikesSoda
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere…

azembala
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

VinciFox
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

FidelCastrator
How many Freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a penis – I mean light-bulb!

McDoogleSnatch
The stationary store moved.

bathswithdad
Have you heard about the corduroy pillow?
I hear it’s making headlines.

Minnow-
Life without women would be a pain in the ass.

william_f_murray
Did you hear about the psychic midget that robbed a bank? Now there’s a small medium at large.

JLipari
Why are NYers so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is just New Jersey.

ForSakeOfArgument
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.

I_FUCKED_GRANDMA
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

lolalodge
What did the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

g1344304
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs.

FeralMuse
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.
Also, did you hear about the dyslexic satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.

Trumpstah
Job interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
“Honesty.”
“I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
“I don’t give a fuck what you think.”

nataliejeanie
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

MarlboroMundo
Doc told me that my IQ test results came back negative.

betteporter
“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?”

Dawn_of_the_bread
Someone threw cheese at me. Real mature!

idleWizard
Do you know what is the difference between shower curtain and the toilet paper? No? So you’re the one!

freedom4me
A guy wearing only saran wrap underwear walks into a psychiatrists office. The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

dandrufforsnow
What’s the difference between a jew and a canoe? A canoe tips.

doolie_noted
A termite walks into a bar and says, “Hey, is the bar tender here?”

Clamps187
There are two muffins in an oven. First muffin says to the second muffin, “Man, it’s hot in here”. The second muffin replies “HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN”!

SHOCKINGUSERNAME
Two bars walk into a man, LSD is powerful stuff.

Calomalo
Why can’t Asian parents have white babies? Two wongs don’t make a white.

Pureeee
What do you call a Mexican without a car?
Carlos.

foxsable
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two but it’s kind of cramped.

fafinal
Make the little things count, teach midgets math.

destroythepoon
For Halloween in West Virginia they pump kin.

CharlieMay
Guy: If you woke up in the woods and found you have been anally raped all night long, would you tell somebody?
Girl: Oh my god, No!
Guy: Wanna go camping?

sittingaround
Two atoms are walking down the street, one says to the other “I think I just lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”

pitchinnate
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not yelling and screaming like everyone else in his car.

BizCaus
Dyslexics are teople poo.

ybcuz
Two cows are grazing in the field
One turns to the other and asks, “So what do you think about this mad cow disease?”
And the other responds, “What do I care, I’m a helicopter!”

6 comments:

  1. I really needed a good laugh tonight. Some of these had me laughing out loud. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor. The vendor asks what he wants and the monk replies, "Make me one with everything."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So, he hands the vendor a $20 and the vendor says "thanks". The monk says "where's my change?" The vendor says "change comes from within".

      Delete
  3. An Irishman walks out of a bar.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Heard about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse??

    ReplyDelete