5.12.13

Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay

  • He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
  • The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
  • McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
  • From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
  • Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
  • Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
  • Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
  • Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  • He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
  • The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
  • Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
  • Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
  • The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
  • They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
  • John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
  • The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
  • His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
  • The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

13 comments:

  1. Some of these are actually brilliant. The one about the date being buried in the credits - love that!

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  2. I agree that some of these are fantastic. Some people wouldn't know genius any more than a talking dog trying to strike up a conversation with a deaf scientist.

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  3. I really like the second one- reminds me of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy ("The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't") !

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  4. "...like when you're on vacation in another city, and Jeopardy comes on at 7 instead of 7:30." Brilliant. These are very funny.

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  5. I love, "The politician was gone but not noticed..." one. That is one observant writer. It would be a fun exercise to have students write bad analogies or metaphors on purpose (or to evaluate these) as well as attempting to write effective ones.

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  6. I wish most people could write this well.

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  7. I burst out laughing at, Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Thanks for sharing these.

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